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Thread: A Thread For Jokes.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Ecosse
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    3,665

    A Thread For Jokes.

    A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
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    Southport
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    1,098
    After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. A bit surprised by this, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, 'How was it?', 'Well,' says the man, frowning. 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf'

  3. #3
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    Mar 2011
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    Southport
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    How do you get a fat bird into bed?

    Piece of cake!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Ribble Valley
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    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I
    have been married for 20+ years. We were
    chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

    We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

    My engaged friend:
    The other night my boyfrie
    nd came over and
    found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ''You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
    office and I was wearing the leather bodice,
    heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
    When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a
    word, but we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing
    the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a
    mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
    door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner,
    Batman?"
    Member of the one and only Mad Smartz Club

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    BRISTOL
    Posts
    2,697
    When I woke up next to the wife this morning she had a beautiful smile on her face.


    Thank fck for felt tip pens.

    JJ

    www.forfour.co.uk - forfour technical forum
    www.evilution.co.uk
    www.quidco.com << CLICK - cash back on car insurance and online purchases

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Norway
    Posts
    2,657
    Traveling Salesman

    A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a
    circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman." Curious, he buys
    a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes
    turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table
    with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Scotsman.

    Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge penis and smashes
    all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause
    as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

    Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a
    faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing
    Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still
    doing his act! So he buys a ticket.

    Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of
    walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman
    stands before them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and smashes the
    coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

    The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting
    with him after the show.


    "You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know
    something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

    Well, says the Scot: "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be."

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Norway
    Posts
    2,657
    THE VALUE OF UNDIES:


    Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when
    working under your vehicle...especially in public.

    From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
    On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
    Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

    Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
    On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
    The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Ecosse
    Posts
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    He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards.

    Forward, then backwards again....back and forth....back and forth....in and out...in and out.

    She could feel the sweat on forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting nearer to the end!

    Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, and then she moaned. Softly at first then louder.

    Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    OK! OK! I CANT PARK THE FRIGGING CAR!!! YOU DO IT YOU SMUG *******!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Ecosse
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    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
    anything different about me?"

    Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
    and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

    Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
    It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

    "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

    "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

    Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should'a bought a hat, Bert. Should'a bought a hat."

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Ecosse
    Posts
    3,665
    I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

    "That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

    "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said,

    "But that would explain the suitcase."

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